honestly

honestly

i don't think i am ready to 

get married..

though i am envious of

people around me

who are getting hitched off

one by one

yes there is an invisible layer of 'pressure'

which doesn't help 

when friends or family hound me or him

on the question

'When?'

have been doing a lot of thinking 

in my head 

for the past few days

constantly asking myself

'Do you think it will work out?'

'It has been 2 and a half years..?'

'Am I happy?'

'Is he happy?'

and a whole load of others

'Maybe it's too soon?'

'Will it work out like the way I wanted to?'

frankly

i do not know any more

because all i feel these days

is just waiting

waiting for something to happen

we no longer text each other

or as much as we used to

video calls were just..calls and updates

sometimes i could see

that he tries to read my feelings

but my stubbornness got the better of me

desperately trying to deny the fact that

yes he is right

i wish i could be as calm and clear as still water

but i am really, really tired

both mentally and physically

compared to talking

i feel much better and confident

at writing my feelings out

 because i get the time i need

to correctly phrase it out

maybe it's just me who changed

feeling further away from what i dreamt of

daily toll of work and family matters

made me avert my gaze

all i have been doing these days

are just time spent alone

watching movies

watching anime

reading manga

drawing

by myself

i guess it all comes down to myself

who closed off the world

not that i do not like the alone time

in fact i do enjoy the time

only that i have been alone all the while

(not sure if that time will exist after marriage...)

sometimes i do like companionship

but it always seemed that

people around me are more focused on

sharing or flaunting their lives..

(yes the roll-my-eyes streak sometimes when it is on repeat mode)

as for friends

i just don't have the courage

to let people in into my inner world

always carefully observing them from the outside

people may think that they know me

but i am not afraid to change or reinvent myself

to prove them wrong

that goes the same for everyone